But when you the helper decide on your own that (1) theres a problem and/or (2) you have to be the one to fix it, youre wading into dangerous waters. They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? That does not sound like respect. A big factor in that was that I saw her problems as easy to fix by doing X where my own were much more complicated (in my mind). Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? Leave now. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. Its amazing the first time you realize the difference between actual happiness and just being not-completely-miserable. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. When i try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn`t move and it`s like stuck. At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. Finally I flat out refused. Sure, for some people hearing about the severely-depressed woman who climbed Everest without oxygen, ran a multi-billion-dollar corporation, had a movie-star husband and five kids, and still managed to look fabulous straight out of bed, all without medication or therapy of any kind, is inspiring. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. If you own the decision yourself, he cant position himself as one of two potential bosses of you (the other being your therapist), because youre making it clear that YOU are the boss of you. Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. Stop. That is some toxic logic there! Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. . A Redditor has been slammed online for trying to dictate to their sister's boyfriend how they should eat their dinner. Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. When he was in a show that had evening rehearsals nearly every night of the week, I ordered personal Mahi Mahis like every single night. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship. The internal CSP/hair-pulling/cutting voice is bad enough, but the absolute best thing ever (vomit) is when someone decides to be your saviour, and heal you of your ~habits~ Nothing on earth is more supportive and caring than demanding that you roll your sleeves up/remove your hat/prove youre behaving well. this bit has me almost crying. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. I felt like I had to fix it and if I just explained my feelings enough (cus he was a Nice Guy and would never do anything to hurt me and never cheated on me) he would stop unintentionally making me miserable and there was no Proper Reason to do it. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Try to find something low key that has a predictable, repeatable structure so you see some of the same people every time and can form connections naturally over time. I struggle mightily. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. I get the feeling that even if LW does everything the boyfriend wants, and eats all her veggies and does a few triathlons and gets a job modeling for Vogue and is elected President of the Universe, there will always still be something else for him to criticize. When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. If you have the energy and inclination to push yourself, get on with your bad self, but thats extra credit. may I say something? Honestly the best thing for me was talking with a therapist on my own and learning boundaries (see my comments above). Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. Id been through worse. My biggest mistakes have been to really harp on what I think he needs to do get out and be social, mainly, which doesnt help his depression and leads to resentment as well. When I left my abusive family? Neither one is going to work. Yes, seconded. Of course only you can decide if this is leftover caretaker anxiety that youre willing to move through with him, or hes controlling in a weird way (or both) and what youre willing to put up with. But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. You speak for me! One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? If I have to cook a decent meal for the toddler, may as well cook for two at once, right? (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. He just doesn't feel the need (we used to have sex often, before the . Continuing to put in effort for someone who isnt putting any into you is only going to lead to more frustration and resentment neither of which will make either one of you happy or satisfied long term. What would you like me to do or say? We will come times ask specifics if I see you doing X or Y would you like me to say or do anything?, We will also talk about our fears: I dont want to come across as a nagging partner or like Im your mom, so Im comfortable saying this, but only once.. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! It Does. What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: You are not the only one. So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. I dont know though. Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. He never mansplains, but he longsplains. I feel you. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. The way he goes about it though, is damaging my self-esteem and is a constant source of youre not good enough for me. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. Helpful. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. Most guys will be nice to their friends girl, but usually not overly so. At first eagerly, because I was curious. One day, I might even believe it. Period. renovate the bathrooms, start an advice columnit doesnt have to be terrible. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. And hey, when you want to use him as a sounding board for something, maybe this reminder will help: Asking advice or needing help with one thing isnt an invitation for advice about everything. That creates tremendous pressure on you and just makes you feel shitty about yourself. He picked being my boyfriend and shut the hell up when we were in the gym. Just. Thank you for the link. Seriously. Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. When men care about a woman, they want to look good and impress her. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. I have to agree with this. Im not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or a giant tool. The way to find out is to give him the information that would stop him being oblivious as clearly as possible if he changes his actions he may have been decent all along, if he doesnt then hes conclusively demonstrated jerkitude. You're not sure what it is that might be going on, then give him space and don't contact him for a little while. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. Basically, we are asking each other for the kind of support they want, not necessarily what we ourselves naturally would do. Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. Take care of yourself. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave., Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. He took this as a personality defect that he had to badger me into fixing. 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