My husband doesnt ask me how Im doing and then I feel stupid when I have to pipe up and tell him, Im too weak to do this or that or that I cannot walk as fast as him. NOW. Please read my reply to MH. On top of this, Im constantly pushing aside my own work to help with hers putting together and managing a website, running her ads, designing PDFs and marketing materials, and sitting & listening while she talks out the same thing for the 1000th time. I have my own emotional issues and I have needs and not one of them are met. The combination of feelings can be overwhelming for a teen with ADHD. First, he may quickly forget what he told you and what you told . We deal in different ways. I definitely understand how hurtful it can be when they respond as if youre a pest. Unfortunately, this might not come about unless you take the lead. But the approach must be strategic. The relationship is toxic, in the sense that they check on each other's locations all the time, call/text incessantly til one answer, and at times, he . Try to remember why you like being with him when things get frustrating. But too often, it does not. We still see each other because of an organization we're both apart of btw. I can usually sit back and not let his maxing out credit cards, for example, affect me cuz it doesnt impact me as much cuz Im not going to pay that balance for him; thats his responsibility. Dont schedule My time! I was told many years ago. She abandoned our business, left all the household bills for me, and started a new life without a single explanation. Your dh and a blueberry farmer (medical doctor or not, it seems that didnt work out so well for him), deciding if you should live or die. Everyone needs to be heard, especially the disenfranchised, so thank you for listening and responding. Career 15 years law enforcement, 25 years military and currently LCSW rural Nevada I hope you are finding more happiness in life. By this point I was already . ), twist in the road for us. The break up came to me out of left field, he never said anything was bothering him or anything. Oh Erin. Its about his untreated ADHD symptoms. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we've always had good communication and have been good listeners to each other. The answer is NO! This morning what set him off was would you mind cleaning the bathroom today? To him this was a personal attack of me asserting he should have both known it needed to be done and me criticizing him for it. But I have been really looking for information on how to heal from the relationship or Im not even really sure how to word what Im looking for. I heard it happen, and simultaneously clocked him wincing at my response. I just updated it today. Like it was a big joke. And my latest book, with psychologist Arthur Robin, details more elaborate strategies for ADHD-challenged couples. Offer to drive if you don't like the way your ADHD partner drives (too fast, too distractedly, etc.) Feelings are very important. we dont need them Im writing this as an adult with ADHD. Crap Creeping into the rest of the house! The articles I have read through have helped me understand his perspective on things. You do high level design work! Before the break up, he was blaming me that it was all my fault. Just because he has blocked you doesn't mean you should follow suit. He never checks on me. Those three years were spectacular: we fell deeply in love, we had great communication and intimacy, and we had a lot of fun together. And the renovations we wouldve done first werent going to be done anyway in the end because we were quoted half the price at first and thought we could trust the guy (well my husband was the one who knew people) and I thought he knew the area he insisted we move into considering THATS RIGHT WHERE HE GREW UP but he didnt really So my deceased dogs facebook page nailed it. But what do you call it when good intentions still fall flat? She raises her voice, stamps her feet, deflects the blame towards me for not understanding or not trusting, and cries until I go back to being meek and subordinate. ADHD relationship strategies can go only so far in some cases. I was confusedI was just talking about the stop at the store I looked at a clock and it hit me that he worked FOUR MORE HOURS AFTER HE SAID HE WAS ON HIS WAY. Ill just take a wild stab. I so needed to hear this. Then there is the rest of personality and background. Or is that something I shouldnt do, no matter who did the breaking up. I really appreciate your candor and I imagine that being this transparent as well as trying to sort out your feelings about your partners responses have been eye opening and really difficult. But damn, I might have actually broken something. Keep reading and learning! Hes yet to repay the favour, but Im able to understand why hes frequently absent, and what was leading to me feeling unheard. You say you went off the medication because it was interfering with your regular dietary habits and your sleep. Really. Thank you, Dr. The whole internet says Im supposed to just sacrifice myself to be supportive, while having none of my needs met. I never let myself get walked over- why was I allowing it now? When we talk about the ADHD effect on marriage and relationships, we are talking a huge array of variable issues. Once we got to the decompression portion of the trip at the bed and breakfast, things had warmed between us again and I did lots of talking and crying about my family while he held me. Hes 46 and we fight about me telling him to shave to look professional at work and look nice for me!!! You offer a great example of a good heart that gets lost in the symptoms of short-term memory and distractibility. Thank you for giving me a safe space to talk about it, and thank you for advocating for BOTH partners in an ADHD relationship. But when his decisions impact me, like my job, and disrespect my space & belongings, and doesnt protect my family, the hairs go up. I am glad that my post was helpful to you. I know I drove my point home and badgered him, but I . I wouldnt agree to it unless he properly covered hole (and making a hatch for it so he could use it again was fine) AND GAVE HIM A REASONABLE DEADLINE. Then I got hit with a tirade about how everything wasnt about me, and he wanted to cut the trip short in order to see his friend, that his needs and his life was important too, that he was exhausted and needed to get away from me, that he was afraid I was using the abuse I went through just to have my way. Youll turn me into poor Marilyn Monroe!. We really must take responsibility for our own health and happiness, because no one is going to do it for us. When am I being too supportive? ANY guidance would be GREATLY appreciated. Active listening. Your email address will not be published. diagnosed 4 time ADHD, have pre-occupied/disorganized attachment; my wife is more dismissive/disorganized In our case, my husband was reliable on some level. Im still figuring out the things Ive lost and gained. Sometimes. I happened to be using my iPhone to film my first trip to the train station on a new board for the person who built it. She tells me most of everything is me and the ADHD. I love him dearly. Hi! When we had cable installed, the guy wasnt fat but he wasnt tiny either and the mess of pipes you had to crawl through to get in the entrance from the garage wasnt pretty. 28 years and they kept you in the dark, while you cleaned up the messes. Anyone who has a known or suspected medical condition, or is taking medication of any kind, or has health concerns should consult a qualified health care provider before following any of the suggestions in this blog. I am so very sorry to learn of your situation. Home is where I constantly try to avoid any cause of discomfort or annoyance. Youre only 35. You have a diagnosis that, as I understand it, is worsened by stress. Ugh. I encourage you to read my first book and forget most of the SEOd-to-death-with-keywords you read online about ADHD and relationships. When a person with ADHD gets stressed out, an obsessive thought pattern of "what-ifs" begins. But you are smart to realize: Even people with ADHD who diligently pursue treatment and problem-solving can require more accommodations from their intimate partners. Let your emotions settle about how life could have been different to this point, if only youd known earlier, if only hed pursued treatment. Not knowing how to do better. Four days before our special day I had a VERY serious food poisoning episode. I told him I would stick with it until I could take it no longer. You can be hurt by broken promises. The break up wasn't toxic, as I do genuinely care for him but the last things he said hurt me- his hearts not in it, he can't force it, he's not happy in life right now, he wants to be left alone. Until then, it just all sounds like, Heres even MORE you can do for your ADHD partner.. I encourage you to read or listen to it. Has it been worth it? This is a recurring fear expressed in ADHD Partner, my online group for the partners of adults with ADHD. Its hardly my first encounter with this scenario. Or it might be the flame still flickersperhaps (she might tell herself) against her better judgment. Adderall. I have to be the one to tell my 5 kids, that I am sick and cannot help them. 1 Likes, 2 Comments - I love kiki break up with your boyfriend (@the_goat_andrew_murry) on Instagram: "Me and my giirrrllll!! Perhaps thats even why he rejects medication. The break up came to me out of left field, he never said anything was bothering him or anything. Im am 57 and my daughter who is a 34 and her 3 year old live with me. If its any consolation, I hear from many folks like you who have gone on to have very happy relationships. All of the research Ive done mirrored J to a T. But it also mirrored my husband M of 32 years. Constantly dealing with Googles changing algorithms that favor the highly commercial sites. "I'm gonna meet up with my boyfriend. So, I never advise that as a long-term solution. Thank you. On the drive home he berated me for embarassing him, interrupting his work, and setting a poor example for our son (who was then on his own). Im still in my relationship and I would have left a year ago but in my situation, leaving will result in (temporary) homelessness. We are both from Panama and the wedding was there. She is an MD in Quebec specializing in ADHD, having trained at UPenn with its ADHD experts. Ive told him some of the pretty bad ongoing symptoms I have, [I dont think I complain too much] , and his response is usually NO WORDS! I just happened on your site because were struggling greatly; its difficult to find resources for the spouse with ADHD to work on how to improve themselves in the marriage; how to understand and respond positively to the non-ADHD spouse. It was weird the first few days but now were getting back to normal.. One phenomenon Ive noticed: Many Adult ADHD specialists act very protectively toward their clients. But please know, we must be smart mental-health consumers. Cant he see that we had made these plans together first, and that in fact he was cutting our plans short to see this friend, that this was really important and I needed him to be there for me? Hes largely not interested in counseling or any consistent help. It causes the ADHD partner to retreat, increasing feelings of loneliness and separation, and reinforces the shame that they feel after years of not meeting people's expectations. Ive just started medication, and youve helped me to think about how I need to approach this phase of the roller-coaster journey. Every loss just piles up. recently we had our first emotional . I would get on the horn NOW to a prescriber that you and your wife have vetted (after reading You Me ADDs chapter on medication). You were taking an amphetamine that suppressed your appetite during the day and made it hard to come down at night, for sleep. He was right overhead (at least I thought so). When he jumps into another relationship, he can get a dose of external female validation and derive a feeling of false sense of self . Mustve been about a year ago cuz I was like its playoff season and 3 of my teams are still in ummmm yeah. Not as an attempt to reconcile, but as an acknowledgment of her absolutely brilliant and amazing efforts to send you down the path of diagnosis and treatment and that you will be forever indebted to her for that. :-). If your relationship was healthy and blossomed from an existing friendship, staying in contact can still prove tricky, as you may have already created space in your brain for this person romantically. You are most welcome. Rudimentary decisions require a level of forethought with the complexity of a doctoral dissertation. If the person with ADHD does not do the work and realize the harm they cause, it will only get worse. 5. Many many times, when I have had a cold or 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with a neck/back condition as a result of an accident, he behaves as I am exaggerating and does not show interest, just until he sees me feeling really bad. I was having career issues at the time as well, but instead of dealing directly and effectively with them I simply stayed in my old pattern of working with my own, well-internalized priorities, (unconsciously supposing, I think, that excellence in my chosen areas would compensate for mediocrity in the areas important to others) and my spouse interpreted this behavior also as a manifestation of extreme self-centeredness. After a feverish weekend of sleeping, throwing up and hallucinating, he took me to my doctor on Monday morning, who told him to take me directly to the hospital. A relationship involving someone with ADHD is never easy, but by no means is it doomed to failure. With a lot of help like someone who had seen me make good on Ill walk away before I give it up or lie about it and seen what I skate on I went to every event I could go to, whether I was capable of skating or not. Will you be able to build enough new patterns, enabling you to let go of some old ones? My heart aches for you, to find yourself in this position. Blogging is a slog! I was diagnosed last year and my wife and I have been married a bit over ten years. COVID is hitting many ADHD-challenged adults and couples very hard, and its easy to imagine why. He and his family has known since he was a kid. My husband wanted access to the other end of the crawl space AND a bigger access point. I encourage you to read my first book: https://amzn.to/3oNiRz6. I watched him nurse his sick pets, and Ive seen him be a damn good shoulder to friends & family in need. So rather than calling our regular doctors office, he called his ADHD brother, who was a general practice medical doctor at the time (hes since left the medical profession to become a blueberry farmer something much better suited to his ADHD). Its not easy, at age 60, to turn on a dime with ADHD-friendly strategies. Sorry to say this, but after all these years of patience, responsibility taking, loving and proactive work on myself, nothing has changed because he doesnt want to and that has made it impossible. Let me tell you about it. I felt frustratedhe had clearly stopped at the store first. But first, turn on your speakers, because there are. Thank you for sharing a beautifully thoughtful perspective here. We were in a relationship for 8 months; I know he loves me and I do love him to death. I have a long list of prior loss and trauma, and I know that factors somewhat into my perspective. I shattered my knee because of his ADHD and not completing his project. This probably isnt about you. See what happens. They exist in the presence of ADHD, however well or poorly managed. I was a little shocked by this bizarre action, obviously feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment, and hurt that he wasnt fully engaged with what was happening in the room. etc. Im hard to please. I have spoken to my 24-year-old, very responsible daughter about who to contact and what to do if I am incapacitated. After 4 years, this was his first time home and visiting his friends (he just LOVES the all). Every time we tried to talk about it wed just fight again. She has integrated these ADHD behaviors into her sense of self, rather than seeing the negative parts of ADHD behavior as areas to improve, and if Im not 100% capitulating to her mode of operation, then I dont love her for who she is, and Im crushing her soul. Not to mention the amount of resentment that has built up has completely turned me off from him Now he was acting like Id dragged him out here and I was forcing him to cancel on his friendI tried to explain this. I have battled with the question, when he tells me that he cant do something or isnt able to motivate himself, whether its true or an excuse. Shes the self-sufficient type. Or, worse, he heard it and didnt want to interrupt his work. It negatively impacts friendships and romantic relationships. He seems mortified by accountability. I am known for holding the line on nonsense. They insisted on an ambulance, but my husband said, no, thats no problem, Ill take her, and walked me to the car. He agreed & asked for more space to hermit, & I asked for a little more communication (like I work today etc.). I wish you luck. He has to do work on himself or it will always remain the same because no matter what I do, it is literally just me doing and that is not a team. Once thats on board and optimized, the other issues can be addressed one by one. Fast forward to trying to be friends, then falling back into dating but not wanting to get messy again, and it just circled over and over through mid March. Clean clothes are hung or folded and put in the closet or drawer not just dumped on the floor in the corner of the room. But sometimes with treatment, the ADHD partner becomes more that person again. Consider my first book: Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?. Can you think back through her life since childhood and reframe through the ADHD lens? Knowing he has ADHD has really helped me to be more compassionate to him and I am learning how to use his love language whenever he is in imminent danger of a meltdown. You might want to check out my first book. This fear has a basis in reality. On top of that Saturday will be my last day employed as my remote position is being move to the office 5 states away and I cant just leave her with no support. The main thing is for you to focus on getting on board with the diagnosis and treatment. In fact, your advice echoes much of the bad therapy that keeps people stuck. (e.g. It might even have been comfortable. Tinder Dating app Dating Relationships Family and Relationships. I dont think it alone could have saved my marriage. Since then I have spent a good amount of time researching it. It blows my mind, my heart broke. Its a comfort knowing that it isnt just me and that my fears are legitimate. At the very least, even if you decide to leave the relationship, youll have helped this person you care about to potentially have a happier, healthier life. Gina, if only she understood, as the super caring, attentive, loving person she is, we could have worked together through this. No part of this blog may be reproduced in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief quotations. He said, You are a very lucky lady. My heart goes out to you. Yet, the loved ones of these in denial adults with ADHD often have more influence than they think they do. Im still not entirely sure, but I will learn more especially now that Ive found your page and have some confidence that Im not the only person facing these challenges and that they truly are hard and its not just me being over sensitive. If your husband is doing better now, its time for him to step up and do all he can do make your life easier and happier. I hope that you can get on that soon. Last modified on Thu 8 Dec 2022 14.56 EST. Ive shared my reading with him and he does see himself in much of it. "Having to explain all of my jokes because she just didn't get them. Hard work. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. So, you hold out hope against all evidence. Be sure to read my books three chapters on Getting Past Denial., Im in a relatively new relationship with my partner newly diagnosed with ADHD. It comes as no surprise to me, unfortunately. New habits. My memory of their faces always features a dropped jaw. I am in the same position as you. See what happens. He made some comment about how I wasnt showing gratitude for all the support hed shown thus far on the trip, and how he just wanted to confirm plans with this friend for when we got back, and how that was reasonable for him to expect. I put aside all the old painful patterns around it. J is 37 and wants so much more in life including a wife and family. We are engaged and have a 4 year old son together. It is starting to interfere with me doing my job, which I am the only one employed right now. That is, Id be on my own if I were ever to become sick or incapacitated. I can scarcely believe it but hugely grateful that I have found you someone genuine to acknowledge and validate my experiences [and feelings] with my undiagnosed adhd male friend, of senior years, my immediate neighbour whose behaviour and responses over the past 17 years, and particularly over the past two months [as he recovered from surgery and required my care], has sucked the life out of me but which has also spurred me to search for some explanations for his extra-ordinarily fractitious, hostile and verbally-aggressive behaviour , I thank you warmly for your beautiful and thoughtful approach hope to join your new courses I live in the antipodes . The pay as you go cell phone had no more go. Day. As we left, I was still groggy. Keep the positives in mind. I texted him that I needed him to come home and that I might need to go to a hospital. The dumpee syndrome is essentially a mixture of fear, anxiety, anger, depression, and remorse that makes you do crazy impulsive things after the breakup. haha. Today, I actually clocked the sigh. Its up to you now. I would not call it, however, a heavy pathology from childhood., I would call narcissism a bucket diagnosis that until recent times has described a wide variety of behaviors but hasnt explained their genesis, other than the usual speculation about childhood and blame the mother. . I adore my lady, and recognize I have beyond fare share of flaws. Im a 65-year-old husband and father, officially diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago, and you articulate so many of the issues and challenges my partner and I face in our relationship and so much of the pain and hurt Ive caused and continue to cause my wife and 12-year-old daughter. Our attempts at couple therapy were so disastrous they motivated us to double-down on cooperation. If I were you, Id read that book together with my spouse. and your girlfriendwere absolutely failed by hack treatment.. Its not fair. One of many examples.. but I dont argue, I dont fight back, I silently just do something else that removes something happy for me to not cause discomfort for him 19 years together. I didnt know anything about well water and there IS no shutoff valve thats why the guy couldnt find it lol. This may sound horrible, but after this experience, I will more than likely avoid getting intimate with anyone with ADHD. He refuses to go to therapy so maybe enrolling in your course with it being via the internet may be less overwhelming. I was the peacemaker type of kid so I took it on without complaint and the more I did the more she gave up. Thanks again, youre a gem! I urge you to take care of yourself. Thank you! Dexedrine. Read my book! I get it. However well or poorly understood by both partners. 1 fan is one of the best things you can do. Thank you so much for letting me know that my work has helped you. To combat all this confusion and misdirection, my co-author and I spent five years developing and writing a couple-therapy model for ADHD. Being a therapist I have much information to show WHAT we could do different/better, yet she is unwilling to pursue. I didn't break up with him because he had ADHD, I broke up with him because he wasn't managing it. His recent diagnosis (after 21 years or marriage) has explained so many things that Ive experienced in the past. Through the closed door, I heard it: profound annoyance at being interrupted. Building your boyfriend up and being his No. People with BPD may experience rage when they perceive rejection, neglect, or abandonment in a relationship. but these people I was meeting for the first time ABSOLUTELY INSISTED on fixing everything and they did it mighty fast too! Im afraid Im the one more likely to be guilty of that in our house. 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